We all respond to events in different ways, both in the way we regulate our emotions and how we interpret the event. Often, it is hard to discern the central emotion we are feeling- guilt, fear, or worry? It can be even harder to take a step back and think objectively about the event itself, its controllability and consequences. However, doing this work is beneficial for personal resilience and for strengthening relationships. This article will discuss two different support styles and how to best respond to three different situations and four different emotions. Or jump ahead to three simple rules for any situation, because no one wants to feel disconnected from their husband after baby.  

Your partner tells you how tired they are. You know that it’s probably not helpful to say, “You’re tired? I was the one who was up feeding the baby every three hours.” You may even have the grace to offer up some empathy, without one-upping, “I understand. I am tired too.” But is there another way to support one another and to reduce emotional distress in the future? Yes, and it will help you to not feel disconnected from your husband after baby and beyond!

What we think of as empathy is called socio-affective support – offering comfort and validation. This type of support provides emotional relief and reduces loneliness. Another type of support is called cognitive support. Cognitive support aims to assess and potentially change the way you think about your emotional experience. One type of cognitive support is cognitive reappraisal. Starting with the word appraisal, the act of assessing or evaluating, cognitive reappraisal means re-evaluating the situation in an objective way to change its meaning and emotional impact. 

Research has shown that cognitive support decreases emotional distress and also can contribute to better long-term recovery. Individuals who cognitively reappraise a stressful situation have lower negative emotions and are also less vulnerable to others responses. This means that if you can learn how to re-evaluate a negative experience you not only feel better about the situation itself, but you are also more resilient and less dependent on others opinions and reactions. 

Cognitive reappraisal is especially effective for emotions where the distressed person still has some agency, such as regret, worry or frustration. In these situations, critically assessing how you feel and why can enable behavioural changes to help you in the future. 

Many new-parents’ stressors are worry-related. Did my baby sleep enough? Are they cold? Are they getting enough stimulation? Will I ever have a minute alone again? Why doesn’t my partner understand how tired I am? Many of these can be answered with accurate information – check out our library of free resources – and others with cognitive support. 

A simple way to think of cognitive reappraisal is giving the benefit of the doubt. You are overwhelmed and tired. So is your partner. When you remember this it is easier to zoom out and get some perspective. Feeling disconnected from your husband after a baby is normal. If you want to try cognitive support you can still start with empathy – one sentence to validate and comfort – both for self-talk and when communicating with your partner. 

Socio-affective support, or empathy, is particularly effective for emotions where the actor has reduced agency, such as anger and sadness. There is often certainty in an event that causes anger or sadness and because of that certainty, there is also reduced agency. Someone has died, you were treated unfairly at work. There is nothing you can do and you feel no agency to change your emotional state or the situation. In these instances reducing emotional distress is key and cognitive support may not make an impact.

Too exhausted to try to understand cognitive reappraisal? We understand. And that’s okay. You’re doing great and you can communicate and support your partner without it. If you can implement one thing in emotionally charged moments let it be mirroring. How do you mirror? You just repeat exactly what your partner said. Don’t rephrase, don’t summarize. Use their words and then add an “I understand” at the end. You can also use the little formula: validation/mirroring of emotion/experience + event that happened + plan to resolve this situation + celebrate success.

Anger often has a direction – someone is blocking your goal. Why didn’t you sleep? Because you have a tiny baby! It’s not your partner’s fault. Their action or inaction did not cause the situation. The baby did. But your baby is helpless and fully-dependent on you, so blaming the baby does not make you feel the anger, because the anger has no where to really go. It is not a fight-to-the-death solo combat. Blaming the baby can help you remember that. You have an external, common enemy. Make a plan to fight back, together! Daytime help so you can secure a nap, sleep training, bottles at night, or rotating night-time shifts. Discuss it together, and notice and celebrate new success in these difficult times. 

Consider if it is possible for you to reframe your anger, or help your partner reframe theirs, as frustration. Frustration is less-directional and often caused by a recurring situation. If a situation is going to occur again then you do not have to feel powerless and you can reclaim agency. When you have agency then cognitive reappraisal can help you to decrease the negative emotional weight of the event.

Cognitive reappraisal allows for growth. While it is common, the goal is that you do not feel disconnected from your husband after baby. You and your partner can become closer not only from sharing your emotions but also from critically assessing your response and making behavioural changes for next time.