I can still see the church basement room we sat in for our marriage preparation class in 2015. I distinctly remember one activity that we did over this four week course, and little else. We were asked to write about our families of origin – what we wanted to keep, and what we hoped to do differently in our family. That simple exercise turned out to be one of the most eye-opening things we did and led to many interesting discussions for my husband and I. It helped us understand not just each other’s childhoods, but the hidden values we were bringing into our future parenting journey.

The truth is, parenting values are rarely talked about until a concrete decision is on the line—whether it’s screen time rules, discipline strategies, or where to go on vacation. But the more we talk about our values, the stronger our foundation becomes.

In this post, I want to share a framework for working through your parenting values as a team—especially if they’re different (because they probably are)—and how to move from individual perspectives to a shared approach that supports your family as a whole.

Every one of us was raised in a unique “culture of home.” Maybe your parents were gentle and patient; maybe they were strict and authoritative. Maybe mealtimes were sacred, or maybe they were chaotic. Whether we realize it or not, those early environments shaped our core beliefs about what parenting should look like. And sometimes, it’s really hard to change – even when you know doing it another way is better, because you have that “false” should in your emotional memory.

Research backs this up: according to the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, early childhood experiences and the relationships we had with caregivers create internal models that influence how we interact with our own children later in life.

When we become parents, we don’t start from scratch—we start from memory. And our partner? They’re bringing a completely different set of memories.

One of the best exercises we did in our marriage prep class was this:

1. Write down what you appreciated about your upbringing—what values, rituals, or habits you’d like to bring into your own family.

2. Then write down what you’d like to leave behind or do differently.

3. Share your lists with each other.

I remember feeling both comforted and surprised by what came up. My partner valued emotional vulnerability—something that he felt was lacking growing up. I, on the other hand, valued structure and consistency because my family was full of routines. Talking about these things early gave us a language for decisions we hadn’t even faced yet.

If you’re realizing that you and your partner have different parenting values—good news. That’s normal. The goal isn’t to eliminate differences. It’s to understand them, and find unity in the things that matter most.

Here’s a simple 5-step framework we’ve used (and revisited often):

Kids thrive when they know what to expect—and mixed signals between parents can confuse them. A unified approach doesn’t mean always agreeing on the details, but it means being respectful of one another and consistent.

Even if you disagree privately, presenting decisions as a team sends a strong message: we’ve got your back, and we’ve got each other’s too.

This doesn’t mean hiding conflict—disagreements can be great learning moments when handled with respect. But the key is resolving them in a way that strengthens your bond and keeps your values front and center.

Parenting values don’t have to match perfectly—but they do need to be shared, shaped, and lived intentionally. You’re not just raising kids—you’re building a family culture. And like any culture, it’s created with conversation, care, and reflection.

Whether you’re expecting your first baby or already deep into the parenting journey, it’s never too late to pause and ask:

What do we value? And how can we live those values out together?